Tuesday, June 2, 2015

What if it's not well...

There's a song that is currently one of my many theme songs during this season of life, "It Is Well".  Go ahead and familiarize yourself with it.  You won't be sorry.  :)


I know many of you read the previous post about my health "stuff", let me give you an update.  My repeat blood work came back negative!  We don't know what exactly I had or why I got it, but I'm cleared now.  I got the green light to start fertility treatment again.


I had a follow up appointment with our fertility doctor that rocked me to the core.  I can count the number of times I've sat in a doctors office and openly cried, this was one of them.

Grander earth has quaked before, moved by the sound of his voice...

The conversation went a little something like this:
"Hi how are you; glad to see you're back and better, but I'm not sure what else I can do for you"
-insert my stunned look here-
"Well, since you had the blood clot in your liver and had to stop all of the preventative measures to keep your endometriosis and cysts at bay, you've got a cyst on your left ovary- another endometrioma.  I can't do another surgery on you- especially this soon- it could do catastrophic damage."

Seas that are shaken and stirred, can be calmed and broken for my regard...

"How big are of a cyst are we talking?"
"Nearly an inch across."
"So what's next?"
"I'm not sure, we can try a cycle but the more we stimulate your ovaries, the larger this will grow."

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You...

"Can you give me any kind of chance this will work?"
"No, I've had a similar case this past month that it worked but everyone is different- you know that, you work in healthcare."
"I know, I guess I'm just looking for anything at this point."

Far be it for me to not believe, even when my eyes can't see; and this mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea...

I left the appointment with plans to call back within a week to get results of some blood work they drew at the office checking for hormone levels, etc.  At the point the nurse was drawing my blood I was just numb.  I acted fine, no one knew anything was wrong on the outside, on this inside I'm singing this phrase over and over...

So let go, my soul, and trust in Him; the waves and wind still know His name...

I walked back to the car and just sat for a few minutes.  I had one of those internal dialogues similar to the angel on one shoulder/devil on the other scenarios:  What if this doesn't work.  It is well.  What if I'm done carrying babies.  It is well.  What if Avery is our only little one.  It is well.  Why is this so hard for me.  It is well.  Why am I not able to do something every woman is born to do.  It is well.  Why can I not catch a break.  It is well.  Lord, what are you trying to teach me in this.  It is well.

I've come to realize that we can sing songs that give us goosebumps in the middle of a church service.  We can listen to a great sermon and take notes but never look at them once they are tucked back into our Sunday bulletin and then eventually lost to the abyss of the floor board in the car.  But what good is that?  Where do those lyrics, melodies, and prose come into play if they are lost in the moment?

I firmly believe that God brings songs, verses, people, and sermons into our lives at times when he is foreseeing that we will need them the most.

So, we are proceeding.  Fully trusting.  Fully expecting miracles.


Because even when it doesn't feel well or look well or seem well, It is well.

1 comment:

  1. Kristen, I read this blog and my mind went directly to Mother's Day. I realized beyond any doubt why Katie was unable to lead on It Is Well in the service at Great Hills on Mother's Day this year. I was so impacted as I read your BLOG this morning, that I got out the DVD of the Mother's Day service and watched your face as you led us in worshipping the One who calms the storms in our lives. You were so about to cry when the song began. Our people had no clue what was on your mind and heart that morning - on Mother's Day as you led us to the Throne of the One who was giving you peace in that VERY MOMENT. You closed your eyes as we sang Through it all, my eyes are on You. Your eyes were on JESUS! But then, a smile broke out on your face as you sang the words, 'and this mountain that's in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the seas.' At that moment, in the background Terry exclaimed, 'Come on!' The cameras panned the choir, hands raised in worship as we all declared, Through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well! Each declaring He is making it well in our own situations. When they panned back to you, you looked directly into the camera and you declared. Through it all my eyes are on You and IT IS WELL! Kristen you and I both know that there was no coincidence that morning that you led worship. The Holy Spirit's power is not dependent on our worship, but HE empower us as we worship and declare His Truth. I have no doubt, that He used you that morning in ways we will never know, this side of Heaven. Your testimony of His powerful work in your life was seen, yet unseen. And even with most of the congregation totally unaware of what you were dealing with, the power in the truth of who He is, was evident. He inhabits the praise of His people. Thank you for your heart, your testimony and your devotion to Christ. I am changed this morning. At the end of the song, when you broke out acapella into It Is Well and the congregation joined you, I cried that morning. Today at my desk, I cried – and worshipped again. Thank you.


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